..I am an adult survivor of child Abuse.
It is my intention to begin breaking down the barriers of shame and guilt that surround adult survivors of child abuse.
My apologies if this is difficult to read.
We may find ourselves living in isolation when it comes to revealing the horrible abuses inflicted on us as innocent children.
As survivors, we tend to cover for our abusers. Protecting the ones who hurt us, not because we think they were right but because we were unable to blame them as children. We accepted that it was our own fault and inherited an illusive sense of responsibility for what was done to us. Talking about the conditions we endured and the ways we found to survive those conditions often creates a sense of misplaced guilt and shame.
We are not guilty of abusing ourselves. We did not deserve to be treated with such disregard for our health and well being.
So, having said that here is my story:
I was removed from my biological family at age 4 and was with my younger brother until I was 7 years old. Together, we went through 11 or 12 foster homes and suffered incredible neglect and abuse.
Then it was decided that we needed to be separated. We were ‘too close’ and diagnosed as co-dependent, thus being unable to bond with a new family because of our background together.
At 8 years old I was adopted by a ruthless woman who ruled the family with bullying, aggressiveness and a cunning intelligence.
She ran a foster care home by vocation and I become her slave.
We sometimes had over 10 babies present in diapers. This was back before Pampers and canned formula.
I cleaned, changed diapers, prepped dinner, fed babies, sterilized bottles, scrubbed floors, cut grass and did the many other tasks that were assigned to me.
Tortured with unspeakable physical beatings, spiritually and emotionally brainwashed and psychically abused, I often went to school with my hair caked in blood.
It was the age of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’.
I frequently came home or spent my summers locked in the attic cubbyhole after endless chores. This was in extreme temperatures with no water in the summer or even a sweater in the winter.
I discovered I could use the pink attic insulation as a blanket!
There were the days when I was forced to stand on my toes against the basement wall and write 1,000 times a day “I must not be lazy”.
Or the summers when I knelt on Lego building blocks and read the bible out loud. For hours and hours on end. She beat me if she could not hear me from anywhere in the house, and this was not the tiny bible, but the huge size that weights several pounds.
It was repeatedly drilled into my head that I was evil, would become a junkie prostitute and was fathered by the devil. I was accused of being boy crazy and a two bit whore long before I knew the meaning of these expressions. I was in a state of mortal sin and knew I going to hell by the tender age of 8.
There is so much more, but I think its enough to paint a picture.
Finally, I screwed up my courage and made a move when she beat me with a baseball bat and I knew I was near death. It was when I was 15 that I began hitchhiking away from that life. Offering my services as a live in babysitter for young couples provided me with food and shelter.
I bounced around this way until I was old enough to begin waiting tables at small restaurants. Of course I was taken advantage of by strangers, but they actually spent some time trying to gain my trust first. This was the most respect I had experienced in my entire life and I thought they cared because of the hugs and complements and kind words.
I began treating my unhappiness and confusion with drugs and alcohol. This was during the 70’s and drugs were everywhere being cheaply distributed to the unhappy people and lost souls.
The after-effects of this on my mental health was devastating.
Is it so hard to believe that I suffered anxiety, depression, fatigue and many other emotional disorders for decades? The term they now use is PTSD.
The endless search for love, acceptance and approval landed me in early motherhood. My oldest daughter was adopted out because I was all too aware that taking care of a child financially and emotionally was beyond my abilities. I was not able to properly care for myself!
This was still another trauma I endured and I grieved for my baby; silently and alone.
Eventually, I met and married a pretty good guy and we raised our two youngest children with our best efforts.
We bought a nice home in the suburbs, had hobbies and friends and tried to be good parents.
Sadly, I ended up in a co-abusive relationship with him as well. Neither of us is without blame. Realistically, I was so damaged that it was impossible to act or react in a rational way. I would constantly endure being left alone with the kids while he was out with his buddies. When we were together, we often drank and fought and became violent. We could not understand what was wrong with me, with us, with everything.
Yes, I searched hard for answers; therapists, diagnostic testing, brain scans, hypnosis.
Then, I developed digestive issues and was diagnosed with IBS. That was the only diagnosis I ever got from months of diagnostic testing. They did attempt to get me on anti-depressant medication. My instincts told me that was not the answer, but I tried them out of sheer desperation.
What I found was that the drugs made the people around me happier with my behavior, but it seemed to suppress my emotions and I felt even worse on the inside. I gave up on finding any answers in the ‘normal’ way.
My only way to blow off the unrelenting pressure inside me was to express it in what was terribly inappropriate behavior. Emotional explosions, passive aggression, obsessive activities, drinking binges and bouts of religious fervor. Without these survival techniques, I found myself trapped with the pain and seriously wanting to die.
I did stop using most drugs when I became a mother, although I still could find and use an occasional Valium. Marijuana made me terribly paranoid, so that was never an option.
I began gaining weight and could not stop craving comfort food in between drinking binges.
Tired, depressed, anxious, claustrophobic, emotionally stressed; I could not find a way to be comfortable in my life or even in my own skin. There was a persistent inner voice constantly belittling me, making me feel guilty for being alive and causing me to feel like everyone else was better, smarter and superior to me.
I knew from simple logic that my childhood had everything to do with all this, but could not find validation or any form of help that felt safe.
The marriage ended after 17 years and I suffered more guilt, shame and feelings of abandonment. I had to sell my beautiful home and move into a trailer park. I self treated my depression with even more alcohol, worked too hard for too many hours and stayed up too late.
Sleep deprivation and grief over my lost life became a persistent and driving force.
Alcoholics Anonymous became my only option at this point and I achieved sobriety. I reevaluated my religious conditioning, discovered some ways to manage anxiety and other problems without alcohol. I worked my way through educating myself about the effects of childhood abuse and trauma. Discovering how its profound and persistent consequence to adult survivors was known and documented set me on a journey to find ways to manage them. This was where I began to find hope.
My husband today is my partner and my best friend.
My life was not perfect during these years, but I was happy. We were financially stable and enjoyed a close friendship and true romance with lots of fun activities. We were able to spend quality time with family and especially with the grand-kids. Taking them on vacations and spending a week or so with them several times a year was the highlight of my life!
Then my youngest son completed suicide at 26 years old. I went down hard.
Once again, reevaluating the vestiges of religious dogma and fear.
Trauma of the sort no human being should have to endure.
Blaming myself, reliving my entire life to find out how I let him down. I was convinced that I was a failure as a mother and as a human being.
I found myself screaming at God and life and myself with a rage that is unimaginable. My childhood wounds were once again opened and all of the traumas poured back into my mind, my heart and my spirit.
So many times I would crumble with sorrow and I actually felt the tentacles of his physical roots being pulled from my heart, my body and my spirit. I fought it hard and I lost the battle. My precious son was taken from me.
This was ongoing and extreme for quite a few years.
My husband and my children and grandchildren rallied around each other. We did what we could to comfort and support each other and to keep ourselves functional. My son was so proud of my sobriety that his love and respect kept me from falling back into alcoholism.
I also began attending Survivors of Suicide support group.
This is a fellowship of people in all walks of life who have lost a loved one in this way. I found a family there and will be forever grateful for the love, compassion and healing that is offered by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Over the last 12 years since my sons passing I have also experienced countless psychic interactions with him. The first was 8 days after his passing when he connected to me and ‘downloaded’ his state of mind at the time of his passing.
He gifted me as well with all the love and compassion he felt for me.
He has been guiding me on my journey ever since and I trust him completely, something I had never experienced on a spiritual level before.
I took a course on Afterlife Connections and learned how to communicate with him in a beautiful garden that is always accessible. We can sit and talk or just be.
This, of course does not fix anything. He is still gone from the world and I will always grieve that loss, but I am not without connection to him on the spiritual level and that is my salvation.
It is now my mission in life to find and support other adult survivors of child abuse.
I know firsthand the forces we are up against as adult survivors of child abuse and trauma. This has become my calling and my vocation.
I pursued certification and achieved Reiki Master/Teacher and Healer in the Usui system of natural healing.
Also, I went back to school and spent 5 years learning how to create and teach comprehensive coaching programs & courses as an Integrative Lifestyle Coach. This included learning how to use self care meditations, positive mindset practices and energy healing to combat self abuse and quiet the voice of misplaced guilt and shame.
I also educated myself on our current political, marketing and environmental issues that affect our food supply, natural resources, social structure and nutrition. These things have a profound effect on how manipulated we are as a society and how dependent we are on it for our education and survival. I discovered that damaged people are a thriving source of income that drives our economy. There are tons of resources and holistic avenues of healing that are unused, ignored and even suppressed due the fact that they cannot be bought and sold on Wall Street.
My specialty is supporting women who are adult survivors of child abuse.
Together, we uncover the forces that may be keeping you trapped in negative thought processes and causing self sabotage of your wellness goals and objectives.
Being an adult survivor of child abuse is woven into the fabric of our foundation. It rarely, if ever ends when we become free from the abuser(s). However, we can learn to manage the lingering effects with positive mindset, meditation, intentional self care and other very useful tools, practices and disciplines.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my story.
Millions of troubled adults have endured and survived child abuse and trauma’s of many different types. They are suffering a myriad of symptoms and side effects from unresolved self esteem injuries.
I spent so many years feeling isolated and only recently have been discovering how many of us have endured childhood trauma. I have discovered that many of our addictions, including food, substances, obsessive behaviors and self sabotage are rooted in childhood neglect and abuse.
We can overcome the inflicted childhood abuses once we become fully aware of the true nature of our roadblocks to self acceptance and empowerment.
Knowledge is power and our body, mind & spirit instantly recognizes and responds to positive energy. It is a truly miraculous experience.
If you are an adult survivor of child abuse I would love to connect with you. Please fill out this Short Form to begin identifying your own points of reference. This will help to clarify your experience of being an adult survivor of child abuse and initiate the first step to gaining mastery and self empowerment!
You are not alone!
I am here to tell you that we can accomplish together what might be impossible to do by ourselves.
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I am an Attuned Reiki Master Teacher and am qualified to offer a variety of services which can incorporate Reiki sessions with my Integrative Coaching programs.
I am also a survivor of long term childhood abuse; physical, emotional and spiritual. Offering support systems and tools for women who struggle with anxiety, self sabotage and self esteem injuries due to childhood trauma and abuse is my specialty. You can read my story here.
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